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Gifts for Kerry and Edwards
By Raynard Jackson, BV Views columnist
As we get into the Christmas spirit, I began to reflect upon the idea of what I would give Kerry and Edwards for Christmas.
1. A tree. The first thing I would do is buy them a Christmas tree. Oops, I mean a holiday tree. I am sure they would want to be politically correct and not inject anything relating to Christ in Christmas. They wouldn’t want to offend those who don’t share the Christian faith.
2. Twelve wise men. The first thing I would put under the tree would be 12 wise men. Not hundreds of old, tired retreads of campaigns past. They changed personnel more than Kerry changed positions. By the time their campaign ended, it was like a reunion of every failed Democratic presidential campaign of the past generation. Bob Schrum (senior media adviser) had worked in every losing Democratic campaign starting with Muskie, Carter’s re-election, Ted Kennedy, Bob Kerrey, Mondale, Dukakis, Gore, and now Kerry.
3. GPS (gloBULL positioning satellite). This will help them locate their positions on any number of issues and will allow them to tweak their message based on the geographic position of their audience. Remember that the theory behind GPS is being in a geo-synchronous orbit. In other words, the satellite travels at the speed of the Earth’s rotation—it’s traveling in a circle. What an accurate description of this campaign.
4. TiVo. This will allow them to run continuous loops of Kerry’s Vietnam service, of Bush’s nonexistent plan to reinstitute the draft, and how Bush/Cheney lied about weapons of mass destruction. They had nothing to vote for.
5. A dream. I have a dream that one day, down through the annals of political history, that someone will actually be able to tell the American people what Kerry/Edwards stood for.
6. Wind surfboard. Since most Americans windsurf (don’t they?), this proves how in touch Kerry and Edwards were with the average citizen. Their campaign singularly did more for this industry than any event. How ironic that windsurfing and their campaign’s direction were both dependent on the direction of the wind.
7. Vernon Jordan bobble head doll. Then at least they would have had a black person close to them who had knowledge, experience and relationships with a broad range of people from within our community.
8. Vioxx and Celebrex. I’d give this because Kerry/Edwards promised people like Christopher Reeves that they would be able to walk if the government allowed the use of stem cells. Oh, these two drugs’ effectiveness were determined by the FDA to be exaggerated and dangerous. How appropriate for this campaign!
9. Nextel phone. Because their campaign is DONE.
Kerry/Edwards are nice, decent people, but they could not adequately describe to Americans why their candidacy would create hope, goodwill or cheer for this country. While most of America is overjoyed that we will not be having a Kerry Christmas, I extend my wishes to all for a very Merry Christmas!